So here’s a filler. I don’t know why. Don’t ask me. It’s illogical I know. So yeah, I am delusional..writing in this piece of paper, totally clueless. totally spastic I don’t really believe in this “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” shit. You know the less I try to think about it, the more that sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach grows. Okay. Maybe it’s just flatulence. Either way, I hate it. It irks  me day by day. It’s pretty irritating actually. I mean if you ask me “Why can’t I just spit it out and get it over with?” I would just probably shrug it off. I’m chickened out. You got to help me out here. But no, I don’t think you cannot help me.  I know. I know. What can I do? What can I fucking do, man? I’m  being turned into a fucktard.  Spring ain’t even  here yet. This is not cool. Not cool at all.
I think all this chocolate is bad. It’s bad coz it’s making me hyper and giddy. But you know all this artificial high is partially because  of this growing sinking feeling of vagueness.  A friend told me that “When there is no pursuit, there’s no desire”. And it makes me realize things that are just too fucked up to be written in English.

“alam mo ung tipong  pagnakakita ka ng gusto mong libro feeling mo magugustuhan mo pero parang nagdadalawang isip ka kasi di mo kilala author so inignore mo  tas biglang ngbago isip mo  tapos pagbalik mo  wala na wala lang. parang ganun ang life ko. paulit ulit na may pinapalampas na pagkakataon.”

Yeah, I mean. I can be profoundly idiotic at 3:00 a.m. even if I am not under the influence of alcohol. And I hate thinking about possibilities, options and decisions. Taking a plunge is like standing in front of a huge crowd during an oratorical contest. It’s now or never. You (unfortunately) were handpicked by your English 3 professor. He seized you up and thought “hmmm. she seems adequate. She can write, memorize and speak at the same time.”

And although, you really are disgusted being in that mind-numbing spotlight you grew some balls to face your impending humiliation.

Everyone fears rejection. It’s probably the worst feeling next to getting kicked in the shins. It’s the feeling of alienation, or being the  none of the above. Of just being one of the options.

What’s so scary about taking the plunge? It’s not the after shock. It’s just the midway anticipation. The feeling of vague giddiness. That sinking feeling in your stomach, the fight and flight syndrome. That same feeling when you’re in front of three poker-faced judges. You are awaiting for a certain judgment, for an answer and for your peace of mind.