To My Monthly Period

Dear M.P,

First off, cringe. Cringe now, I beg you. If not, you can actually click on the X button. No?? Oh well, you have been warned. Yeah, can you actually believe that I am writing to you?? Yes, isn’t that a sign of insanity???  I digress. At this point, I can say anything to you because, you my friend is the source of all evil. Hey, but you know what, thank you! Thank you for visiting me montlhy because 1.) It actually acknowledges the fact that my ovaries work and that I am a woman 2.) I am not yet eligible to sign that waiver for endless sleepless nights and breast feeding. Yes! Hoorah. But don’t get me wrong. I want to have kids. In fact, I have named them already. In my mind, I picked out a funky name. No, it will not be Xenon, Polonium or something “chemical”. It might be biblical but I’m having a hard time choosing between Maccabees and Malacai.  It will  be August for girl and Gavin for boy. In the future, they will be home schooled. I will ask them to form their little rock band called Black and White Stripes. I will be their band manager. However,  I might change my mind and send them to med school. No one really knows if I’ll be able to bear twins, or even quintuplets. K, we’re veering away from the subject matter.

Truth is, I secretly want to be a boy. Being a girl is impractical and high maintenance. Imagine buying sanitary napkins every month and other times pain killers to combat the cramps. Also, the emotional rollercoaster you bring with you every time you visit is terrible. plus the outbreaks.  It’s sad that it will only end when Menopause takes your place. It’s even sadder that I came to know that through the MRT infomercial.

I can still stand the angsty outbursts but the timing of your visit will either be a day before an important gathering like let’s say the lady gaga concert or perhaps when I’m extremely chirpy. You always tend to jump right in and rock the boat. Why do you always come in such perfect timing? Huh? Is it to deliberately sabotage my day? You’re a little schemer, aren’t you? Even though, I mark the calendar and try my best to predict your arrival, I fail. I fail because you always make sure that it’s either a few days before or after my prediction. Either it’s really deliberate or I lack the appropriate Madame Auring skills.

So there, I said my piece, M.P.  I’m ready to negotiate just don’t terrorize me every goddamn month. Frankly, I’m almost getting used to it. But yeah, a little heads up would really be nice.

Hormonally Yours,

Joyce