Departures

Relationships. No matter how shallow or deep they are formed becomes a part of who you are. However, there comes a point when one has to move on, leaving the other with 2 choices: 1.) Move along and cope. Tomorrow is another day. 2.) Dwell and mope. Listen to your Air Supply Greatest Hits CD.Get piss drunk and be involve in a random bar fight. Lie in bed trying to count imaginary black sheep jumping over the lazy dog until you fall asleep. Run around the UP sunken garden until your legs fall off. Whatever.  Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

I agree with E.C. Delos Reyes’ question: Why do goodbyes have to be orchestrated?

I suck at goodbyes. On a regular basis, we always say goodbye:when you leave the office or when you hang up the phone. You always, always have to bid farewell even in the most uncomfortable situations. It’s normal.

While it is true that people come and go, timing affects everything. Why now? Why not yesterday or tomorrow? Why now while it’s raining, pouring hard. Here and now while I am waiting for you, worried sick.  Who are you with? What the fuckery is going on? While everyone is busy stuffing their mouths and punishing their livers, I am here. Waiting. My battery running low. My heart drowning in melancholia as the rain continuously pour down. My patience growing thin. The proverbial icing on the cake is this. You are leaving , just when I decided that I might just stay a bit more.  And this is not just the second time that this happened. The universe continues to mock me because it has been keeping its tabs open.

Just when I’m feeling a little victory over the inner and outer demons I face each day, it pulls its conniving strings because it sees how I thrive with pain.

How prolific I become when I hurt  like when the universe continues to make a sitcom out of my life— like when my friends forgot that they have to meet me in Banchetto to celebrate my birthday because one of them overslept, the other forgot his cellphone and just decided to wait for the next ice age. It’s so much better to host a pity party at 4:00 a.m. But we’re friends and I love you because I made you feel guilty and you did. You asked me to say I FORGIVE YOU. And I did. I mean what’s in a birthday anyway? It’s not like when you turn another year older, the world will change— be a better and safer place, right? It’s just a date.  And we’re best friends like that.

Soooo what is it that make goodbyes suck? It’s giving birth to absence. Absence that may eventually become permanent. It’s like waking up one day, seeing the other side of the bed is untouched, sheets are still tucked, pillow in it’s rightful place, your desk empty, your tumbler gone, your music box no longer sitting in it’s usual spot. It’s looking for the places where I’d usually find you only to find out you will never be there.  It’s the frequency in trying to imagine hearing your voice again, that distinct pitch when you giggle or squeal when you laugh, that calming and reassuring voice when you talk on the phone. It’s recreating memories of you, something you need to hold on to. Absence can eventually become presence.

But it’s selfish to DWELL. Also,pathetic. All those emotional baggage just needs to be dropped off somewhere far away. Find your personal arctic circle, bury it and leave it there. You can also hire a personal comedian —->I’m currently considering taking a new career path.

Life gets too ironic everyday. It’s almost ridiculously funny.