10 moments in a CSA’s Life

Do you know what I can’t stand aside from heavy traffic and Marian Rivera commercials? Yes, you got it right,  poor customer service which is why I will provide you a detailed account of a complete irony.  Almost four years ago, I have worked for this outsourcing company and one of their clients include an online travel agency. I was once an online travel agent, for US domestic and International destinations.In my brief stint I was Lucy slash Goosy, Susy, Ruffy and whatever the hell that rhymes with the name. I could have gone for a ballsier name like Dylan but my QA says it’s too hermaphrodite and Joyce was already taken. 

Day in day out we receive calls that can range from excited college students who will be spending their spring break in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to honeymooners bumped off in their honeymoon destination. The catch really is to seal the deal and hit your metrics. That seems all pretty chicken shit but really let’s add some extraneous variables or the so-called spice of life to make it more exciting and/or insanity-inducing:

1. I CAN HAZ E-MAIL- I mean who doesn’t have an e-mail address by now? If you are trying to book online and the main requirements include opening the browser and putting your own e-mail address so as your e-ticket will be sent ELECTRONICALLY, would you insist that your ticket be sent to your home address in Zimbabwe? Now doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of a hassle free online reservation? If you prefer to do everything old school, do not call me. Go to the airlines or better yet hire a pigeon to get your mail delivered.

2. PARA ESPANYOL PRESS 2 - I had once a one and a half-hour call trying to explain an entire flight itinerary with a french translator on the other end of the line. Three-way calling isn’t particularly exciting when every phrase you are saying is being transcribed and translated in a different language. Also, goodbye AHT (Average Handle Time).

3. BLAME IT ON TECHNOLOGY - There was time when the entire system zoinked that escalated calls were routed back to us — sales agents. Imagine responding to grievances that are clearly not in your jurisdiction. Imagine repeating the spiel ” I apologize but you have been routed to the sales department let me transfer you…” your entire shift and getting a earful from an irate customer saying YOU’RE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS. GO TO HELL. Bottomline is we still need to say the closing spiel ” Thank you and have a nice day”. Now that just seems so wrong.

4. S for Xylophone -  Did I hear you say P as in Papa or D as in Delta? Sometimes customers do not appreciate agents using standard phonetics. “I said E like Apple” and when you try to repeat it using the standard one they totally go beserk. When you said  PO-TA-TO did I say PATATAS? No. So get it right,Sir!
 
5. IDENTITY THEFT - Knowing that we are not allowed to give out any personal information, the once gave a fake lastname to an insistent customer. Yep, I instantly became LUCY TORRES. I felt proud, except in reality she was a kleptomaniac, model turned actress.

6. MINORITY REPORT - Since the nature of my voice is soft and somehow child-like, a customer once asked if I am old enough to work. A concerned geriatric customer wants to verify my age and wants to know if my parents know that I am already working. I neither took it as an insult nor a compliment.

7. ARE YOU AMERICAN? - Before we were not allowed to disclose our location so we always inform our customer of our standard spiel. We are located somewhere in the US. But certainly the Washington that we have is in Makati. We still beat India in terms of masking our indigenous accents, though. If that’s any consolation.

8. BUT WAIT THERE’S WHORE…ER… MORE - We’re all whores here. We want to guarantee your satisfaction. But not in that sense. So to thank you for calling today… We offer you this and that…. but hey, let me transfer you to that department which will take about another 30 minutes of your time. Yes, that is a requirement otherwise our QA will mark us down for not reading the spiel ——in verbatim!

9. BUTTONS - You know what’s my favorite button? It’s the mute button. Because we live a dual phone personality. The understanding and accomodating sales specialist and the agent from hell who cusses in 3 different languages.  But of course we always prefer the former when we are on air.

10. DEAD AIR - We are only allowed to have 10 seconds of dead air.That’s the general rule.  But there’s the hold button too so screw you customer. I am still checking all available flights so why don’t you go ahead and wash the dishes first and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

So yes, in short I kinda realized that my future in CS can be compared to my future as an Astrophysicist, probable but not highly recommendable. It’s funny that when you’ve been on the other end of the fence, it’s easy to make fun of the common mistakes CS Agents do because hey you’ve been there and done that.  Yes, I realized I was really a bad one. Not because I don’t do my job, I did. I just wasn’t cut out for all that perkiness and positive vibe. Yes, I am complete failure in that aspect just like doctors having no bedside manners. If you want the bad news, I’d be happy to give it to you. Whatever it is, there’s no other way of breaking it gently. The truth is the truth.

So if I were the customer, I like my customer service agent to be like my math teacher. Impersonal but direct to the point. If you can’t help me at least try to point me to the right direction. Do not sugar coat me with apologies and false promises, because even if meant with sincerity they are completely useless if I still need to do a bazillion steps to get to my desired results.

Now transfer me to your supervisor, if you please. 

PENIS ENVY

Are you seeing what I am seeing? Because it seems to me that I just bled a phallus in my knickers. Amazing, isn’t it?  There must be an excess testosterone in my body. If this is an inkblot test I would probably be categorized under the 3rd stage of psychosexual development. So yeah, go figure.

There’s no "I" in TEAM

I set the alarm at 4:30 a.m. but natural habit of turning it off and going back to sweet slumber overcame by ability to become a team player.
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